I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
