Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
