What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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