Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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