I am spending my child support on dildos
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
