just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
