Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
