She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
