I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
