Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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