I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
