im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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