i just wanna soil my oats bro
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
