3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
