What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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