I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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