I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
