my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
