I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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