Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
