ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
