Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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