Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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