so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
