I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have feelings that need drinking.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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