god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
