Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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