Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
