My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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