I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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