Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
