none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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