I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Found your dick twin last night
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
