He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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