And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
