a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
