I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
