I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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