I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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