So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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