i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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