I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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