I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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