i permit you to call me
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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