counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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