im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
