I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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