so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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