i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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