have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
