I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
