so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
