Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
