I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
