I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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