my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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