Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
